If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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