There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
