Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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