when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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