what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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