I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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