I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
