The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
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