Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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