I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Less talking, more tequila
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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