my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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