The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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