I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
