you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
lets start a swedish sibling band together
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
