I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
