you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
