The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
