My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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