I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
