I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize