Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
