imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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