there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
