You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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