She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
