Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
