I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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