You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
