if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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