I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
