I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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