I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
