I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
