The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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