I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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