Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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