I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Randomize
