cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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