I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
