i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
