I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
COCAINE IS GR8
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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