wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
