I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
