I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
