Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
