What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
