Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
