we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
