You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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