it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
