I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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