shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
