The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
