mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
