Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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