I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i love accidental penises.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That accounts for only three of the penises
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
